I Take Joy

Finding a song to sing over the dirty dishes of life and a giveaway!

Sweet delight swept into my heart, as Sarah and I sat close on the couch pouring over an old Victoria magazine. While sipping steaming china cups of tea, we thoroughly delighted in the beauty and color of green, rose-covered English countryside that bespoke of our memories from past wanderings there. Too long it has been since we have had such a carefree moment of peace, fun, friendship and celebrating life together. My friends who know me over the years may think that all I do is drink tea with friends--it is such an anchor in some of my days--but this stopping with my oldest beloved treasure was a rare treat, but greatly treasured.

I wish I could stay there in those happy moments. I wish they lasted longer. I am a Pollyanna at heart and wish all of my moments were just happy and uncomplicated. When I have my quiet times, in a hushed house, only the snore of my fat, soft golden retriever filling the air, but God is with me and soothing my heart. When I am reading His word and hearing His voice, I think all things are possible and my faith seems strong. Sitting on my deck while the pinks of the summer sunset washes over us in the cool shadows, then I feel and see Beauty for what it really is. Oh to stay in these places.

But by morning, the sink of life is piled again--yet again--with dirty dishes to be done. Dirty dishes are a never ending pile in my life because everyone insists on eating and drinking at least 3 times a day--and so are the stresses of life like those dirty dishes that won't go away. Bills, a child's parking ticket, illness, the dog throwing up on our new carpet, husbands pouring out stress attitudes from their jobs, children rolling their eyes or having one more bad attitude, and always more financial issues--doctor's appointments, cars, computers, and on and on.

One of my sweetest provisions this summer is having a friend who prays with me every day--we are believing that when we pray together and dedicate our days to the Lord, He is in our midst and He really will change history through our prayers.

This morning, we were talking about these dirty dishes of life--hers and mine. She said, "You know, God doesn't want us to yell at the dishes or complain about them or cry over them or throw them across the room--he just wants us to take them in course, deal with them and move on--and maybe even decide to have a good attitude about them every day in the dailyness of it all.

Just happened that in my quiet time today, I was reading about Moses and about Abraham--each of them, in the dirt, right where they were living, were approached by God. Both of them responded by making an altar, and praised His name--right there where they were, the sandy, weed-filled, spider ridden piles upon which their thongs trod--these places became an altar, a place of worship.

So, as I faced my sink this morning, and also the dirty dishes of my life, I turned on one of Joel's cd's and danced and sang and made this place where I am standing an altar of my own praise, a place of worship and grace.

Enjoy! This song is one of the new songs my sweet Joel composed for his new album. I will be giving some away next week! Enjoy. 

01 I Saw Through The Eyes Of My Eyes 1

PS The Heart of the Matter online conference is coming up soon and I will be speaking on my book, "The Ministry of Motherhood" about setting up an intentional plan for discipling your children. I am so excited that I will be speaking at this conference, click the button to take a look:

 

I will be giving away 5 tickets to this conference--if you want to be entered, link  my blog to your facebook or blog and let admin@wholeheart.org know for your entry!
 

Child Discipline, part 2 and Our 24 Family Ways

Train up a child in the way he should go and even when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

When Joy was growing up, she just about had 5 parents. Since her next oldest sibling was 6 years older than her, everyone thought they knew what she needed. I used to laugh inside when my older kids were 15 and above and they would say, "Joy, you need to clean up your messes, put your dish in the dishwasher, tell your friends to clean up their toys after they play, etc." 

There were  so many instances in my life when I would correct my older kids and I didn't think they were paying attention, but somewhere as they moved from youth to adulthood, I could see that they had internalized our training and lived by our family ways. 

As Clay told me, from his study of the Hebrew, in this verse, "when he is old," refers to when he grows a beard. In other words, when a child moves to adulthood, he will adopt the ways he has learned to walk.

Even in brain development, I discovered through reading a number of articles, that the brain has pathways in it, much like roads. The more a brain thinks or receives a certain message, the deeper the rut in the brain. So, when we verbalize our values and repeat scripture and train up our children along certain paths, these paths grow deeper in their brains and inform them how to live life. I love it when God's word moves in sync with science.

This is why child discipline is more about training and discipleship than it is about spanking or using the rod. 

But it is so important for us to understand that each of us comes to parenting with a grid or filter. Your filter or grid will determine how you respond to every situation with your children. 

If your grid is animosity based, in other words, seeing yourself as the police who must correct and punish every single act and be on guard not to miss anything, then you will face your child in a behavioral way--according to the rules they break, but not according to the spirit of the law. This brings about legalism, and harshness and guilt, because one thinks they must play this role or they will lose their children.

We based our grid on the understanding that God wanted us to love our children and relate to them with affirmation, acceptance, life-giving words and instruction, to receive them as a gift, much as Jesus did with His disciples. We also knew that "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God," and that this sin-nature made each of our children self-centered and selfish. And as we observed scripture and the way God worked in our lives, we could see that His goal for discipline and training for us, was to shape our hearts to become conformed to the image of Christ. "He disciplines us that we may share in His holiness."

So, our hearts were to move our children away from their naturally selfish, sinful hearts, to train them and give them a heart for learning what it meant to love God and to obey His ways and to learn to conform their values and behavior in the ways of righteousness and by learning to love and become like Jesus. 

"The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day."Provers 4:18

We understood that child training was a slow, steady process. We instructed our children constantly along the path of truth and God's ways, and when they got off the path, we corrected them and led them back on--a relational, loving, intentional path of life. This kind of child training is intentional, full-time, all-in. 

Even as Jesus trained, lived with, instructed, modeled righteousness to His disciples, so we attempted to do with our own children--slow, purposeful, attentive, steady--helping our children in the very atmosphere of our home to breathe the very life, truth and values of Jesus.

When my children were very young, Clay and I discussed what were the "ways" in which we wanted our children to go, as the verse said. When we had purposed to follow the Biblical ways, that we wanted our children to go, we had a grid for looking at every moment in their lives as a time to teach them the right "ways", correct them when they violated our "ways", model to them our "ways."

For instance, in our 24 Family Ways, one of the areas is in reference to relationships, way number 5 is "We treat one another, treating others with kindness, gentleness and respect." The memory verse for this particular way is, "Beloved, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." 

And so when my children violated this way, speaking unkindly or being rough, we always said, "What is our way about relationships, what is our memory verse?" Then we had a foundation in their hearts and brains about how to build relationships. Repeated hundreds if not thousands of times in their lifetime, they became gracious adults--it was the way in which the Clarksons directed our path in our home. 

Or, for instance, about work, "We are diligent to complete a task promptly and thoroughly when asked."

Or, "We choose to be joyful, even when we feel like complaining."

These ways, the memory verses, the devotionals, were repeated many times at different times during their lives and so it became a very part of their soul and values. They became familiar with God's Biblical ways and verses, so that when they were old enough to respond to the Lord, they had a vocabulary that He could use in their hearts to remind them of the "way in which to go." It was a part of their soul make-up, their brain's pathways of truth.

What I learned as I had more children was that my younger ones could repeat the ways and verses at very young ages (even 2 years old) because we studied the ways with them on our lap, studied the verses that went with each way, said the scriptures outloud, and so it was going into their hearts.

If a little baby started screaming or having a fit, I would immediately pick them up and say, "No, you may not get attention for screaming and I would isolate them or put them into their crib and say very firmly, when you can talk to Mommy in a normal voice, I will listen to you." And then I would repeat what we had decided, "Mommy knows you are tired of upset, but Jesus says, that we can choose to be joyful even when we feel like complaining, so when you can control your spirit, then mommy will listen to you and we will talk. But you have to make the choice to control your spirit. And at very early ages our children learned to control their tempers. We would always come back to our ways.

I think that I see that for me, discipline has not been joyful in my own life. God has had to show me my selfishness, sin, bad attitudes and I have had to repent. And so discipline is hard work and always means confronting the selfish sinful nature and turning it away to obedience to Christ's ways. I think that often people think that if you are grace-based, it means never disciplining. But all child discipline requires lots of time and attention and going against the will of your children. But if your focus is on their heart and their attitudes and on giving them time and appropriate expectations to slowly mature, their hearts will be deeply engaged and will learn to respond.

Years ago, when our children were small, Clay developed a devotional guide for our family. It is revised and available once again. This is from the preface to Our 24 Family Ways:

If you are like most of the Christian parents we know, you want to teach your children the Bible, instill biblical values deep in their hearts, train them in Christian character and godly living, and strengthen their relationship with the Lord. That's what we wanted for our children, which gave birth to Our 24 Family Ways.

The 24 Ways are divided into six areas: authorities, relationships, possessions, work, attitudes, and choices. Within each area, there are four "Ways" - statements that reflect biblical principles. Clay used the ARTS outline to teach each Way:

A - Ask a question

R - Read the Bible

T - Talk about it

S - Speak to God

These four activities help parents and children to learn and understand what the Bible says. Even young children can engage in the Bible verses and stories. (When teaching little ones, make sure there are questions where the answer is "Jesus!" so they get some right!) By instilling biblical values in your children, you are helping them to grow up loving the Lord and His ways. They will do the right thing based on God's Word, not just because someone they admire does it that way.

The 24 ways gave us an intentional, objective way to go to over and over again for scripture, wisdom, principles to give our children a picture of "the way they should go." What a Christian parent needs is a Bible and guidance from the Holy Spirit. 

Some families pray about areas their children are struggling with and design their own devotionals around Scriptures related to those sins. Showing your children that God's Word is the first place to turn when we have difficulties is one of the most important lessons you can teach. Pray with your children, showing them how to ask for God's help in being a godly child. Share with them how you struggle with that sin or something similar. Stories of how you behaved as a child are especially powerful since sometimes our children can't believe we were once small!

Pray daily for wisdom to see what you're to see in your child's character, wisdom in knowing how to correct what must be corrected now, and patience to wait on correcting other areas. Training your children is intentional and takes time!

Some Biblical Wisdom

Luke 2:52 says, "And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." In what four ways did Jesus grow? Spend some time in prayer for each of your children that they would grow in these ways.

The classic verses for why we should memorize Scripture are Psalm 119:9,11. "How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. Your word I have treasured in my heart that I may not sin against You." How can memorizing Scripture help your children? Is there a verse that would help your child with a character issue they struggle with? I Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) has several great verses dealing with patience, kindness, and self-control.

"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1. How does spending time in God's Word with your children  build your house? What are some other ways you can build? Are there things you have done that tore down your house? Spend a few minutes in prayer, asking God for forgiveness and wisdom in how to rebuild those places.

Application

The fruit of the Spirit is an excellent list of the character qualities we want our children (and ourselves) to have. Read Galatians 5:22,23 with your children. Pick one of these qualities to work on as a family this week. Compliment your children when you see them exhibit this quality.

Pray for opportunities this week to teach your children using God's Word. May the Lord bless you as you continue to build your house!

Giveaway Winner Announced!

Thank you for all the great ideas on how you're building relationships with your children! The winner of the Our 24 Family Ways drawing is Angela from Pennsylvania! Congratulations, Angela! 

Pray and see what God does! You tube!

Thanks for everyone who has sent emails or commented or who is praying. I will do the  24 Family Ways giveaway later on Monday, but until then, please let me hear from you and let's join in prayer together.

As I mentioned earlier in the summer, I was on a quest to refresh my soul this summer, as I am constantly giving out. One of my friends suggested I read Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. I so enjoyed this book and it began a desire in my heart to call out women to begin prayer chains, groups, pray with their children, pray in families, pray in groups.

Seems we have seen a lot of impotence in the lives of believers. We have allowed immorality to take over, we have not sought God or lived Holy lives. I know that many go to church and many give sacrificially. But so many wonderful women in my life seem to feel discouraged, overwhelmed and burdened. I know it is a fallen world and we will have lots of difficulty as this is the fallen place.

But I believe God wants to do a great work in our time. I have seen that when people pray and read the word and worship intentionally, the Holy Spirit seems to sweep across the lands and brings about major revival.

What if we could see amazing things happen all over the world because of a wave of women joining to hold fast in prayer, engaging their hearts in God's word, and stepping out boldly in faith. I have seen the Lord do so much more in my lifetime than I would ever have thought possible. He is looking to strongly support that heart that is enthusiastically responding to His word and love in the private, unseen room in their home or apartment. Right where you are, where no one else can see, God can see you and is committed to responding to your faith and love for Him.

God wants to respond and He wants to bless. He delights in doing supernatural works through normal people like you and me--the little boy with the fish and loaves; David and the giant; Joshua and the trumpets; Gideon against the Mideonites and so many more stories. I really want to be one of those who said, "In my lifetime, use me Lord to bring as many thousands as you would allow, to commit their lives to you, to love you, to live boldly for your kingdom. Please fan the flames in my children's lives to live boldly for you, that they may be your warriors for your kingdom in this time of history. Let them be faithful until they see you face to face.

Will you join me in praying and asking God to pour out His spirit and grace. And then will you boldly step out in faith, right where you are--to share with others, to be God's hands and voice and love to those He brings your way?

Lets have big hearts for a wonderful God and bring His light and life and kingdom to bear on our lives and in the lives of others. May He bless you today.

Please pray with us and pass it on!

<sup>Dear Wonderful friends, 

This is not a typical blog post for me, but so many have written to us this summer asking how they can help in our ministry and so I thought I would include a prayer letter that we are sending out to friends of Whole Heart/Mom Heart Ministries. I just wanted to include my blog readers in what is on my heart. 

I know this letter is long, but I would humbly ask you to finish it, as I think we are about to see the Lord do amazing things and we would love you to be a part of it. 

I just wanted to write to you to ask you to keep us in your prayers. I reread a book this summer called "Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire." Prayer is the central focus of the book and the story is told of how a tiny church in New York began prayer meetings and as a result, saw a mini-revival take place in their church, which grew from less than 20 people to thousands, with multiple congregations. Clay and I have talked often this summer of how revivals seem to take place. The all seem to start with people praying--looking to God to establish his work in and through His people who are dependent on Him.  That is why I am writing to you.

So many of you were kind enough to pray for Whole Heart for the month of June and I do think the Lord heard your prayers. But for those of you who are willing to keep going, I think we may see amazing things ahead. The more I meet with families and youth, the more I see a need for God's Spirit to sweep through our nation and bring a revival amongst our nation. I meet so many who come from broken families, children whose lives are scared, youth who are immoral--even though raised in Christian homes. We so desperately need the power of God and the movement of His spirit to bring about the change we long to see. We need Christ to be the center of all the work that we attempt in His name. 

Would you join Clay and me in praying daily for forgiveness for the sin of complacency, for compromise, for idols, and for ignoring God's voice in our lives and priorities? Would you challenge another friend to be your prayer partner in this? Also, as I have been praying, I am asking God to raise up godly leaders who are willing to give sacrificially of their time to minister to others, to have people in their homes, to teach them the word of God and to lead them to Christ. We believe God is so prepared to bless and empower those of us who are humbly dependent on Him, as Daniel was, as the first century church was as they gathered to pray and saw a movement of God in response to their humble dependence on Him. 

I was talking to my son, Joel,my son who lives in Boston, recently, and he told me that he often brings up Christianity in conversations at the international house where he is living in Boston. He says there almost seems to be no interest at all. As I have been thinking about it, I feel that he needs to find another friend and spend time every day praying that the hearts of the people around him will become soft to the gospel. Only God's spirit can really open hearts and create a renewal of life.

And so, too, I believe God wants us to pray for the seeming hard heartedness of those in our culture, media and political leadership--in every arena. God wants us to seek Him for revival and wait for it to happen.</sup>

^{As to our own ministry, we are focussing on women, mothers, families. Feminism in our lifetime has been used by Satan to destroy the family, to destroy Biblical femininity, to devalue children, and to break the strength of family and marriage. True feminism has perpetrated the idea that women deserve to be the center of their own lives, that they are more fulfilled by living for themselves, and finding identity in their jobs apart from family, marriage and children. Feminism has also perpetrated a lie that this will make them happy and fulfilled and yet this is so untrue.}

<sup>God, however, established the family as the centerpiece of life in Genesis 1, before the fall. We believe that the family is the place where righteousness was to be passed down from generation to generation.

Clay and I really believe that the Lord wants us to pray to Him to lift up many women who are willing to seek God with their whole heart. to study His word, to pray and then to reach out in the spirit of Titus 2:2 to draw other women  to a Biblical commitment of creating a home for Christ, where Christian leaders can be made--to love their husbands and stay faithful, to love their children and to open their home as a place of ministry. But we really believe that we need your prayers as we seek the Lord to raise up such mature women. We really believe that women returning to their God-given role is such an important part of the puzzle of returning the hearts of children toward Christ and away from the pull of culture. God has given us great freedom in our lives to live out our commitments to our families within the limitations of our own lives. Yet so many women come from broken homes, and have a cultural perspective and values, that they need to be reached with the truth of the Word of God, and be trained and shown what a healthy family is like.

Clay and I desire to be a part of God's redeeming families, fathers and mothers and children back to Himself, but writing, speaking, developing materials and training believers in these messages to take to new arenas. 

Please join us in prayer, as we attempt our first leadership training in our home on August 5-8. Fifty-four women are coming to our home from all over the US, and China and Canada, to learn about ministry to moms. they will receive specific instruction in spiritual foundations, writing and speaking and ministry skills. We are praying that from this group, we can get our books and messages into the hands of more people, that the Holy Spirit would use these precious women to reach out to their regions, arenas, and churches to spread this message. Yet, unless the Lord "builds this house," so to speak, we will labor in vain.

Please pray that each one who attends will have a heart to listen to the voice of God, and that in every message, the Lord will be lifted up. Please pray that God will speak through the speakers, through the times of fellowship and that His Holy Spirit will move while we are gathered in His name to start a movement of moms who will be a part of His hand to help bring revival all over the world.

Please pray also for the many women all over the world who are leading and starting new Mom Heart Groups in their churches and homes, using our books as a beginning point for studying and sharing together in these Biblical messages. Pray for them to stay strong in their walk with the Lord, to understand His calling and to have His power and wisdom in each group. We pray these groups will reach the lives of many women who hunger for leadership.

We would so appreciate your prayers, too, to pray that the Lord will raise up a staff person that He has been preparing to help coordinate this ministry amongst women, both online and to help us organize more conferences. We feel we need about $30,000 to come in to help us take care of a salary for this position as well as to help pay for some work we need to outsource in media, printing, and publishing. Clay and I have so much on our plate to do, since we have so little staff. But both of us would really like to be able to write more discipleship Bible studies and resources for families and spread our blogs and conferences to the far ends of the earth. But we are not able to get to these projects as we are working on so much administration. But we need to see it come from the hand of the Lord and we believe it will all happen in His time.

Let us all praise Him for what He has done, and then humble ourselves before His throne to ask Him to open doors for ministry, to bring His spirit's power and truth to bear in our lives and to open the hearts of people that many many repent and accept Him as Lord and savior. I so appreciate all that you have meant to us in helping us get these messages all over the world. 
May He bless you with faith, love and hope in Him today. 
Clay and Sally

PS If you would join us with your family and friends, please let us know! 

For those who have would like to donate online to help support this part of the ministry, please go to: www.wholeheart.org and scroll down to the bottom and press on the donate button.   Many thanks for being our partner in this movement of the Lord.</sup>

^{The following verses in Daniel 9 have been a model to me in how the Lord wants us to pray.}

¹⁵ "Now, O Lord our God, who brought your people out of Egypt with a mighty hand and who made for yourself a name that endures to this day, we have sinned, we have done wrong. ¹⁶ O Lord, in keeping with all your righteous acts, turn away your anger and your wrath from Jerusalem, your city, your holy hill. Our sins and the iniquities of our fathers have made Jerusalem and your people an object of scorn to all those around us.

 ¹⁷ "Now, our God, hear the prayers and petitions of your servant. For your sake, O Lord, look with favor on your desolate sanctuary. ¹⁸ Give ear, O God, and hear; open your eyes and see the desolation of the city that bears your Name. We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy. ¹⁹ O Lord, listen! O Lord, forgive! O Lord, hear and act! For your sake, O my God, do not delay, because your city and your people bear your Name."

My Miracle Oven--an answer to prayer

 

My wonderful miracle oven--that actually bakes and heats like ovens are supposed to do!

 I have been reading lots of books all summer--trying to fill up my soul after a demanding year. One of the books I read was so encouraging to me in seeking to develop a deeper prayer life. (More on that later.)

So, of course, I have been seeking the Lord more diligently every day in worshipping Him, in seeking to see His hand in my life and thanking Him for all of His daily graces in my life. Of course my foundational prayer for many, many years, has been that my children, Clay and I, will love Him more every day, with all of our heart and serve Him faithfully until we see Him face to face. I have also been seeking Him and asking for blessing and a pouring out of His Spirit on our ministry, and on the women leading Bible studies and starting groups--and also on our leadership training coming up and my wonderful ministry team who helps in our ministry so much.

My heart has been greatly encouraged in this discipline as I really believe that it is the power of God in our lives, from being with Him, seeking Him and asking for His work in and through us that will manifest His work and ways in our lives. I am amazed that He would condescend to listen and respond and love and encourage us, as He is so holy and above us. But still, He loves to respond to us--personally, as a Father to His children--in the most minut details.

Soooo......., there was this matter of an oven. I have 54 women coming to my house in a couple of weeks for training in writing, speaking and ministry. But my small double oven is/was quite old and the top oven died a year ago. And the dilemma was that I was planning on feeding these 54 women for 3 days was looming large in my mind.

So, I read, "Pray about everything."

"You have not because you ask not."

"But when He comes back to the earth, will He find faith?"

"Ask in my name."

So, I humbly asked for a double oven with a convection top so we could prepare the meals and keep them warm.

Now, Clay and I had already decided that we couldn't afford the $2200 price of the oven from our local store. Something about having 3 older children who are still finding their way through school, and all have cars and insurance and medical issues and just life, with a new driver in the making! You know the issues.

"My God shall supply your needs according to His riches."

So, we prayed. And we asked our ministry team here in town to pray with us. 

Out of the clear blue sky, one day,  I found a check in a letter in the mail. A friend of our ministry, all the way across the United States,  sent me a check for $300 and said, "I am not there to help you prepare for the intensive training coming up, so use this check for something in your house as you get ready for the women to come.I felt like I needed to send this to you."

Meanwhile, Clay began to look for an oven in Craig's list, because of a friend's advice who had been at the prayer dinner at our home, when we prayed for the leadership conference coming up. So under "appliances", nothing came up. But, under "garage sale", he found a less than two year old, 30 inch double oven, convection on top, oven on bottom. And less than ten minutes from our home. We called and went to the home of the man who had advertised.

A beloved friend,  a  board member, who just "happened" to be in the area (from North Carolina) went with us to look. Because He oversees construction for a major restaurant business all over the United States, he knows building and kitchens and ovens and such. He went with us to give us his expert advice on whether we could fit it in the space where our 26 inch oven had been. 

Turns out, the man selling the oven was a believer and knew mutual friends of ours that we worked with in ministry. The oven was like new and seemed to be calling out, "Sally, take me. I'm yours!" 

Clay inquired, "What price would you ask for the oven?"

"Well, since you all are in ministry, I think I would like to get $300 for it?" --the exact price I had received a check for in the mail. And when we asked him the specs of the oven, it would fit into the space in our kitchen within an eighth of an inch!

And so a week after we began praying, we have our miracle oven right in my kitchen--a picture of God's sweet provision and grace. 

And, by the way, when the installer came to our home, who had been recommended by a friend who builds cabinets, he just happened to be a young man, who had 3 very small children and whose wife had just begun to homeschool--who needed some advice and encouragement and support group. 

So God linked us with a believer with an oven and an installer who just happened to need help that we were so blessed to be able to give. So fun to see His hand at work.

If He would care that I have an oven to cook in for my leadership conference, what else might He be willing to answer as I pray for Him to bring about His power in and amongst us in our Kingdom work amongst families, mothers and children? Hmmmm...... I just can't wait to see what is ahead!

Parenting is messy work.....Monday thoughts about criticism revisited

     
 

 My 4 jewels who were God's tool to shape my humility and faith! 
 ( Sarah 26, Joy, 15, Nathan, 21, Joel, 23)

(Thanks for all the great tips on Seattle churches--I will send them to Diana. )

 This article is specifically for all who have children or husbands or families out of the "expected expectations of others" who are around you.

Last night, I was on the phone with my wonderful son, Nathan, who is now 21 years old. We talk every Sunday for sure and sometimes other times during the week. After studying at the New York Film academy, Nate asked if we would let him move to Hollywood to pursue acting. He has been living in Hollywood for a year, has made enough money working in movies and as an extra in television to pay his bills. He also found a great church, has been in a small groups Bible study and will lead his own group of men starting this fall. We had a conversation about some decisions he is having to make about which work to accept and how to be faithful to the Lord in every decision. It is such a blessing for me to see the Lord working in His life, calling him to faithfulness, teaching him the value of work and helping him to be a light in the darkness. Nate is becoming such a fine man of integrity. I am so very grateful to see God's faithfulness and work in his life.

Why do I mention this? Because, raising him did not come with an instruction book that fit inside most people's box. The Lord wanted Clay and me to be on our knees so that we could understand parenting by faith and seeking Him for wisdom each step of the way, and then to find out He was trustworthy. 

I was revisiting an old post this morning as someone had left a comment on, that I had written two years ago. So here is the old post!

****************************************************

 One of my sweet friends was blasted recently by a "well-meaning" friend about her lovely daughter--who is by God's design a thoughtful introvert and reader and creative type. The criticism was unjust and I just wanted to address this as there are all sorts of people out there who could make us feel inadequate about our mothering or even ponder if we are ruining our children.

Job was a man chosen by God as a  model for righteousness. God trusted Job to be faithful in the midst of Satan throwing his worst temptations into his life. (Jesus was tempted before his ministry began, Peter was tempted before he became the leader of the disciples, and so will we be.)

However, in the midst of his trials and suffering, Job's friends pontificated--elaborated in confident tones and words--about why Job was suffering.  Most it was utter foolishness. They judged Job's life, they criticized him. It only had the effect of discouraging Job and made him introspective--even though he was picked to be in this spiritual battle because of his righteousness. 

If we desire to live righteously by faith in this present day, we will have to make decisions that go against the norm and against the grain of most people. And consequently, we are always going to have "Job's friends" in life. (we call them irps at our house--irrational people, plural) We have even been known to say, "oh, I have been irped again!" 

No matter how diligent you are or how much work you do, you and your spouse and your children are going to behave in an embarrassing manner-or immature way or blunder in your life or they are going to break someone else's standard--more than once! And your "Job's friends" will be sure to notice and to tell you what you are doing wrong or how unsocialized your child is or how their children are much more advanced than yours, or whatever.

I am thankful that I finally came to understand that my audience was God. He knows me and my limitations and the limitations of my family and children and He is still on my side.(He strongly supports those whose heart is completely His. Also, he is mindful that we are but dust. Psalm 103) All children are disappointing to someone at some point--that is where faith and unconditional love are made to move in!

Even in ministry and speaking, I have even learned that before I even get up to speak, someone in the audience is against me or doesn't like my choice of dress or something. When you seek to lead, and stand up in front of people, or live a different life, you become a target. It is just part of putting my ideals out there. If I listened to every critical comment that was made to me, I would have given up my ministry and my ideals long ago.

However, I am free in Christ to like who He has made me,  to love and believe in my children and to be patient and grateful with the husband I have been given--because He who began a good work will complete it in Christ. It is part of a woman's grace to be gracious to those in her family. 

I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed to Him until the day He fulfills it. If I had given in to my insecurities and inadequacies I felt before others, I would have given up on this road to ideals a long time ago--and it is just a part of the journey--the ups and downs of emotions--I would have always been depressed or become neurotic--which I have been on occasion.

But, I have had so many life circumstances, given to me by God, that have taught me that fitting into the mold or expectations of others was not God's will for me. As a matter of fact, I feel that if I had followed all the advice of friends, I could have easily cultivated rebellion or resentment in the hearts of my children. But, God gave them to me for me to love them, discipline and nurture them according to their bent and according to the wisdom and intuition He would give to me through my mother love.

For instance, all of my children had areas in their lives that didn't fit the box of anyone else. Sarah is a dreamer, introvert, thinker, creative, close to her mom--how many times did I hear we were too close to each other. Stupidity! I probably would not have made it this far without her friendship! I am so very grateful God saw fit to give me my own best friend! Now, my co-writer and bestest of  friends--and yet she travels all over the world in ministry, speaking and encouraging others. I am so grateful we are so close. 

Joel, so abstract and artistic that at times my mom thought he was deaf because he wouldn't hear me when I would talk to him or ask him to do something---he is extremely  responsive and helpful, creative, and submissive and  a loyal friend to me-but I had to speak to him eye to eye and face to face to help him know exactly what I wanted him to do. Now he is a talented composer, creative, brilliant, summa cum laude in his grades, working 15 hours a week while full time in school,  absent minded professor but still dependable and hard working but not at all time oriented--always in the clouds planning or creating, composing or thinking.

My Nathan didn't sleep through the night until he was 4 (ended up he had a digestion disorder we didn't know about!) He also is an extrovert and adhd--really, really-and he also has some clinical disorders that have plagued him over the years. (Got them from me.) I had so many people who told me that he just needed more discipline--"you are not spanking him enough!" I also had a number of friends who were critical of his behavior  over the years. Instead of supporting me and helping me, I found their critical eye to be devastating. I was so introspective about my inadequacies with my "mysterious" child. And yet, I know in my heart, that harshness and spanking and criticism would created standards that he would never have been able to live up to--I know that I would have alienated him in his heart from me. If I had just known ahead of time, he would become my actor-artist son, maybe I would have been more comfortable with him being out of the box. 

As I would love Nate and validated him whenever I could, spent every day of his schooling years sitting with him, next to him through hours and hours in reading and math and written work--when everyone else told me he needed more independence. I had a sense that this great spirited child was wonderful and responded to attention (middle child--second boy!) and that he was soaking up my passion and love and stories deep in his heart.

Joy is a fire-cracker, independent, confident, a performer, already speaking and teaching and very outspoken, outgoing, always wants to be doing something---strong sense of personal justice and ready to fight you about it! But a great heart and afterall, she has grown up around 5 parents! Each one was a different recipe and required different amounts of heat! Yet, none of them has fit the  mold--and it was just too much pressure to worry about, anyway. I knew that God wanted me to enjoy life and to be flexible and creative with the particular puzzle he gave me to solve.

We held the line on chores and helping all to be excellent in character and behavior and serving people and in learning little by little to being loving and patient and kind and honoring in relationships, but it was year in year out and my very strong spirited children were always resilient! 

There were, however, many, many ups and downs. I wish I had been more patient with all of my children, really as I think about it and kissed and hugged them at nights all that they needed. (Sometimes Nate would forget that I had prayed with him and wanted one more assurance prayer. I would think, "Am I spoiling him? Is he manipulating me?") 

I know now that his disorders were beyond him--he responded so well to gentleness and love along side training and holding a high standard in our family. I had two other ocd children who felt more secure when I gave them the long rituals of hug, kiss, pray, absolve guilt, hug, kiss again. (OCD types) But really, what did it cost me? Just a little extra time and patience--But it would have been better if I had not worried that I was spoiling them and had knots in my stomach because I was going against the grain. Somehow the extra nighttime love, went deep into their souls and made them feel more loved and secure--not spoiling--but investing.

Just this morning, all four happened to be home, lounging with the totally depraved golden retriever (she really is a number!) in our midst as Joel played his new composition which he is going to perform for Berklee school of music in Boston at the end of the month. (Please pray for favor for him!) We were enjoying, critiquing,  chatting--all in our pajamas at 10 in the morning and I am here thanking God that my children are such wonderful individuals--filled and broad and alive souls, dreaming about the areas of life they will conquer.

But now I know that some of it was just personality--I myself often feel that my personality is too much for some people--I am strong and passionate and opinionated and restless and adventuresome--a one per center as Myers Briggs says--and I often feel that way amongst crowds! And Clay is a one--percenter on the other scale--more introverted--but equally as opinionated. 

Yet, I believe God equipped us with this out of the box personality because of His calling on our lives--to teach and write and travel and speak and host and everything else He has put in our life to do--a part of our spiritual dna.

As to my real out of the boxer, not much has changed, but I have changed and experience so much joy with knowing him. At almost 19, Nate is still very much out of the box, too--loud, dresses his own way, has all sorts of interesting friends, musical tastes and activities--but I love who God made him. He is intelligent and insightful (all that reading and all those passionate devotions.) He has a heart for the lost and has a real ministry with the "far out" looking kids. He is writing incredible music and has big dreams--quite a natural performer--music, acting, etc.--definitely an artist sort. He loves his mom and dad and has had to take some strong stands for the Lord, over and over again and has passed many tests of integrity--but trusts Him every day. He has written non-negotiables in his cell phone--he is not a tame lion, but he is God's and I believe that God has great plans for his life. He doesn't fit the mold, but then neither have Clay and I, or Sarah or Joel or Nathan or Joy. All that to say, live true to your own family culture--and be faithful to God. Don't perform for others, but live daily in His freedom and power and grace. We have been criticized for years by many people for our ideals. We have had to work through many pathways of difficulty.

But I only wish I had just rested in the Lord more and fretted less about the details of life that seemed to loom large in my mind. Not that I have already become perfect, as Paul says, but I press on for the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus. I have to keep reminding myself to believe in God and to trust Him every day and to wait for more prayers for all of us to be answered--especially as I watch my children launch into life.

I have lived through so many seasons of fear and see that the hand of God was working and that He is loving and He has used all things to work together in our lives. I seek to enjoy each day as an adventure in God's hands and nurture a heart that has learned to enjoy the ride. I don't know how it will all turn out--but I know who will be there to do things beyond my own imagination and yet in the end, according to His will which is what I really want. It is for freedom that Christ set us free--give your children the gift of freedom from fear, from other's criticism and from performance. Blessings--and grace!

New areas for Mom Heart conferences........Seattle?

Just a quickie. Sweet Diana Waring wants Whole Heart to come up to the Seattle area to do a Mom Heart Conference this fall. Does anyone know of a facility (church?) where we could have up to several hundred women, close to freeway connections, and near a hotel where women can stay--and you have inroads with that facility to help us make it happen? If anyone out there wants us to come or can help us get there, please let us know asap, as we are trying to put this together soon. 

It would be great to come to Seattle--we have had lots of inquiries and requests--but now if we can find a place to hold the conference, we will make it happen in early November. Let us know--Diana Waring on FB or me on FB or Sally@wholeheart.org

Have a great weekend!

Heartfelt Discipline - And a Giveaway!

 
Clay's book on Heartfelt Discipline--hopefully to be back in print the end of the year!

 
One of the most common emails or letters that I get concerns child discipline. How do you make your children stay in bed at night? My daughter will not obey my husband but runs to me when he tries to discipline her. What should I do? My children are always bickering and I want them to stop.

Now all of these are common habits of children and of course our goal is to help our children to mature enough that they will move toward mature behavior and learn self-control and practice obedience. The maturing of a child is a life-long process that will take many years. But it is possible to have pleasant children, most of the time, who are secure, happy and moving towards godly character.

However, it is not by formula or "follow these rules" that the shaping of their heart and character is developed. This is not a post about how many spanks for lying, talking back, or giving Mommy "the look." This is not a post about Ten Easy Steps to Make Your Children Obey. Our culture is formula-driven and impatient. We want to know what to do, how to do it, and when we can expect results so we can move on to the next issue. Surrounded by these false teachings, no wonder so many moms are tired and stressed and feel that they have failed when their less than perfect children continue to act like children--and often are out of control from being treated as objects of discipline and punishment instead of unique children with gender and personality and maturity differences.

For many years, I have pondered scripture as well as the ways God parents the Jews and how He seems to parent me. Our Heavenly Father is loving, gracious, and makes all things beautiful in His time. His timetable for my life and for answers to my own prayers and questions seems to take a lot longer than I ever would. He doesn't seem to mind at all letting me suffer through circumstances--instead He encourages me to hold fast, obey, stay strong and so many times He makes me wait for things. 

As I look at how Jesus worked with His disciples, He was patient with them, put up with their personality differences, often said, "They did not understand," and let them fail. Aren't you thankful He loves you enough to stick with you, gently pointing out areas of your life that need work, and allow you ample opportunities to grow in those areas? I know I am! I have often felt that I make so many mistakes that I am disqualified from being in ministry. But He still chooses to use me, by His grace, because His glory is to show His likeness and grace through normal, human beings.

With this kind of a patient, loving, accepting Father, I have no other choice but to be like him as a parent to my children.

The reason I want to obey Him and please Him is because of a deep, heart fulfilling relationship I experience with Him most of the time. But there are times I feel far away from Him, and still He loves me and waits until my heart warms again.  I believe He is trustworthy and has integrity and calls to my inner self--that if I follow Him and obey Him, I will find the best for my life.

He loves me, He cares for me, He teaches me truth, He calls me to excellence, He gives me purpose, He humbles me, He provided beauty and love and intellect to give my life scope, challenge, meaning and stimulation, He provides for celebration and feasts in His plan for the life of His people, He commands rest. He called me into a relationship with Him before He started working on my attitudes, my bad habits, and the areas of sin with which I struggle.

His discipline and love and training for me is a whole life experience, not limited somehow to "paddle-time."

Several years ago, Clay wrote a book called Heartfelt Discipline. It is out-of-print now, but we plan to put it back in print. So many parents have told us how it changed their concept of "discipline." In the first chapter, Clay wrote:

"We are all influenced by the cultural tendency to view discipline only as punishment. To be honest, this narrow view makes things easier on us as parents. If my disciplinary responsibility is fulfilled by a simple act of punishment or correction, then very little else is required of me. But God has issued a much higher calling. Biblical discipline is much more than an act. It is both an ongoing, heart-to-heart relationship and a continuous spiritual interaction with my children. It is far more than simple correction; it is a parent and child walking together along the path of life. That is the Bible's bigger picture. " p. 15 of Heartfelt Discipline

Discipline is about a heart-to-heart relationship,  continuous spiritual interaction.

Does that sound easy? time-consuming? sacrificial? intentional? I have yet to meet a mom who told me she felt so refreshed after working on her child's character training! What you are doing will affect eternity ~ you are in a battle for the hearts of your children. Your enemy wants you to feel like a failure, he wants you to give up. He does not want you to see baby steps of progress ~ he wants you discouraged. Is it a wonder then that so many moms look for shortcuts to having "the perfect child"?

Many of the shortcuts leave out the relationship completely or allow the child to usurp the parents' authority. Here are some words from The Ministry of Motherhood (p. 37):

"Sometimes we serve our children best and most lovingly by sticking to our guns and not letting them have their way. Loving discipline can be part of the gift of grace. So can teaching with words and exhorting our children to excellence. But the relationship has to come first. Discipline and teaching are most effective when administered in a context of a close, ongoing relationship of love."

Some Biblical Wisdom

1. Discipline is a long term process based on long term family relationships. Timothy is one of the classic examples of a young man whose godly mother and grandmother invested in his life. In II Timothy 1:5 Paul wrote, "For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well." What dwelt in Timothy's mother and grandmother? How do you think they passed that on to Timothy? They did not have children's Bibles or Awana or DVDs.

2. Read Romans 2:4, "Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you towards repentance? What does this verse say leads to repentance? Whose kindness is this verse talking about? If God used patience and kindness and tolerance (mercy) in relationship to us to lead us to Him, what does that say about our attitude toward our children?

3. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." What are we tempted to do? What will happen if we persevere? How does this encourage you as a mom?

Application

What are some practical ways you can build relationships with your children this week? Fixing ice cream cones (it's supposed to reach 100 degrees today!)? Playing with them? Reading books to them? Building legos--doing what they want to do! For a list of great family oriented books, see Sarah's Recommended List of Children's Literature here.

Give Away

Another way that Clay and I knew how to train our children was that we laid out very clearly what values we wanted to pass on to our children. We published this devotional book that we used as a family. Training is specific and it gave our children something to shoot towards. We will give a 24 Family Ways away next Thursday. 

 

To purchase or read about Our Twenty Four Family Ways, go here.

 To be entered in the drawing, leave a comment on this post; connect this post to your blog or facebook or twitter, and then let us know by contacting admin@wholeheart.org

 Post a comment telling a practical way you are building relationships with your children. We will focus on character qualities we desire our children (and ourselves) to have in next week's Bible study. Until then, pray to "keep heart" and to not grow weary!

For more on discipline, you can read this older post: Will Training

Discipleship by the tray--serving up grace and love

Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. 

Proverbs 25: 11

Stomp, bang, slam, stomp again, slam again.  "Everyone in this family is always losing things. And if they would just be responsible, we wouldn't waste so much time looking for them all the time. Why can't people just be responsible?!!!!!!"

My 16 year old child was getting ready to take the car to run over to a friend's house and then go to the store for me. But we couldn't find the one set of car keys that we still had or at least had before we lost this set. Our family of 6 now had 4 drivers and 2 cars. It seemed we could never figure out who had driven the car last or where they had put the keys. "I haven't had them!" was what everyone said, so it must have been a little house demon that just stole them and hid them to frustrate us. We did find them behind the refridgerater, which we had to move away from an enclosed wall to find! How in the world had they gotten there!

But the bigger issue was the yelling, stomping, banging around the house. Somehow, in my heart, I knew it was a time for grace.

I went to the kitchen and loaded up my tray--made some hot tea, put some chocolate chip cookies on a plate, lit the candle. Then I took the tray into my little tiny personal place, back of my bedroom, turned on some instrumental music--and the scene was ready. 

I told this child that I wanted to speak to him, "in my room----now!"

The dread filled his eyes. When we sat down on my couch, I poured tea, offered cookies and began,

"I just wanted to tell you how much I have come to appreciate you lately. You are responsible, you help me so much, you are creative and I love your songs you have been writing. You are so diligent academically. You are growing in your faith. You are such a friend and blessing to me. I know it is hard to live in this crazy family sometimes and we do lose things, but we are all so very glad you are in our family. I wanted you to know I understand the frustration and I love you."

Relief just seemed to melt away from his face and he began to relax. "Wow,  I thought I was going to get a lecture or something. (apparently he had had a few of those before!) I don't mean to be disagreeable. I have even had great quiet times lately. But sometimes when I walk out the door of my bedroom, it is only minutes until someone irritates me. It just comes over me. Have you ever felt like that?"

We ended up having a great time of friendship together. He felt understood. I had a chance to speak into his life and the Lord worked in our midst. 

Discipleship, devotions, advice, teaching is so much more effective over something delectable to eat, something hot to drink and soothe, and a pleasant setting to enjoy with a loving relationship extended, than when spirituality is just dosed out in a utilitarian sort of way.

I have found that when, on occasion, I take the time to do a tray-time, it just sets the stage for my saying, "I thought about you. I care for you. I want to make time for you--or spend time with you."

I learned many years ago to serve my children with trays. Surprise breakfast trays in bed early in the morning to say, "I love you just because."

A tray and hot chocolate and cinnamon toast in a private corner of the house which says, "I know you are sad or mad or depressed or whatever, I just wanted to let you know you are special and valued." 

Trays for children when they have been sick--with a special little book or treat or puzzle or something to do to make staying in bed easier.  Our trays have come to mean love and comfort to our children.

I started this when Sarah was very young. My boys learned to love these "Get away with mom times--all by yourself!"I could see that even as a little girl, sometimes the tray made what would be normal conversation into an event. I have also seen that when I set the stage, the Holy Spirit seems to show up in a special way.

Now, I make trays when I meet with friends--a tea time tray on the porch, in the living room--always a candle, something to drink, something to eat or munch--like giving a cup of cold water to a soul--beauty, serving, an environment where the word is shared, friendship is kept, hearts are opened and the art of life is celebrated--and the Holy Spirit shows up.

Even Jesus used this kind of methodology. He washed the disciples feet and then talked to them about servant leadership. He fed them fish on the shore and then gracefully said, "Tend my lambs, shepherd my sheep."

The gospel is a powerful message. It is redemptive, but the reality of Christ with the strength of His message can sometimes be more perceived as life-changing, when we use all the art, beauty, tastes, smells, pleasures that God gave us as resources to use. So go set a try and have a tea-moment this afternoon.

 

The power of life-giving words

Studying the word of God--together--a new weekly article for Itakejoy!

I receive so many emails from moms asking specific questions: How do I discipline my two year old? When should I start "school"? How can I build a stronger relationship with my teen who is more interested in spending time with friends than with our family? How can I love my husband when he isn't being the spiritual leader our family needs? As much as I would love to answer each email personally, there is just not enough of me to go around! As I've prayed and wondered how I can minister to more women, the idea of posting a weekly Bible study has come to mind. By taking an in-depth look at some of the topics I've written about, I hope that you will dig into God's Word and lean on Him to give you His strength and wisdom. You are the only one navigating the Mom Walk He has designed just for you.

This week, we are going to look at the power of words. I have been thinking about the importance of words lately - they bring life or death. Jesus was called the word and His life brought hope and redemption and truth and guidance. 

I have met so many young 20 somethings who have scars from their parents--mainly, I have heard stories of parents who never encouraged or had time to listen or believe in dreams or sympathize. "My parents never listened to me. They never understood me. They were always angry at me," is often what I hear. 

But if we were to look at the Word, Jesus himself, we would see intentional encouragement. "Peter, you are the rock. Thomas, a ma in whom there is no guile. The centurion--no one has had faith like you. Mary, your story will be told about you for all times." Jesus always took time to show love to initiate words of life--even to believe in Peter and encourage him as he was about to rebel against him. Peter, Satan has desired to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you......"

A word held back could keep a person from hope, faith, affirmation -- or it could keep them from scarring a child, building a wall, separating friends. James tells us that we should be very careful of our words and that we will be held accountable for them someday. Here are just a few thoughts on words from The Ministry of Motherhood.

Words are powerful; the Bible is full of that message. The whole universe came into being because God spoke the words. God's written word in the form of Scripture is central to his ongoing communication with his people. Jesus himself, God's ultimate form of communication, is described as the Word of God. And the Bible is clear that our words are important too. Many verses instruct us in the importance of words spoken as a source of life and encouragement. A few of these verses from Proverbs describe how precious words can be:

A soothing tongue is a tree of life. (15:4)

A man has joy in an apt answer,

And how delightful is a timely word! (15:23)

Like apples of gold in settings of silver

Is a word spoken in right circumstances. (25:11)

Encouraging and affirming words -- words of life, as I like to call them -- have the power to give hope, to strengthen others to keep growing in righteousness. And if I, a grown woman, need them to keep me going through hard times, my children need them even more. Positive words act as water and sunshine to our souls to help them grow strong.   
taken from The Ministry of Motherhood, p. 41

In Proverbs 15:4, how is a soothing tongue a tree of life? How do bitter words stunt growth?

Proverbs 15:23 says a timely word is delightful. How can you encourage one of your children with a "timely word" today? Have you received a "timely word" in your quiet time lately? How did that encourage you?

Gold and silver are precious metals mentioned in Proverbs 25:11. Read this verse to your children and have them illustrate what they think this would look like. Discuss how our words can create a picture of beauty for others. End your time with an apple snack. =)

May the Lord bless you with creative ideas on ways you can speak life to your loved ones this week!