An Ode to Tired Mamas

There once was a sweet mom with children,
Who worked day and night just to serve them,
She cleaned and she cooked
and she taught and she booked,
Till she died of exhaustion and left them.

Ok, ok--it's not great poetry, but I did think there should be a short dedication to all the moms who have given and given and given with nary a one to appreciate them. I got tickled the other day. I had written the blog about taking Nathan to dedicate him to the Lord after taking him out to lunch and then the little story about taking Joy out for her 13th birthday. A sweet mom who read the blog was probably sending a comment to a friend and accidentally pushed the reply button and sent her email to me which said, "She makes me tired!" (I have done this before much to my horror--meaning to send a comment to Clay and instead sending it to the person who wrote it! Grace and peace--don't worry!)

But, I do think this task of ideal mothering is such a tiring calling and we all put ourselves under  so much pressure to be perfect when we have too many sinful children,  no support systems, no breaks, no full time maids,  and they all want  to eat and wear reasonably clean clothes every day !  And we are  responsible for their character, manners, education and spiritual  outcome, sense of well-being and happiness! A lot to ask.

In light of this, I also received another letter from a sweet mom. She asked if I ever blew it and yelled at my children! Yes, I have sinned often in the presence of my less than perfect children. I have had to accept myself as God does--it says in Psalm 103, "He is mindful that we are but dust!" Oh well, God says, Sally is just dust anyway, what can you expect from her?" As Joel my son once well said when I was in a tizzy over the messy house. "Mom, we will clean the house and it will just get messy again. But when you are sad, we feel guitly, like we have done something wrong. But when you are happy, we feel happy and like we are the greatest family in the world. So, Mom, lighten up and we will all be ok!"

We moms are giving out at a much faster rate than we are taking in and so depletion and exhaustion and consequences thereof are normal. So blowing a top once in a while is very  normal. I love the verse in Proverbs that says, "Where there are no oxen, the stalls are clean." I have at least six oxen in my stalls all the time, so my stall is always in different degrees of clean-ness!

I just want to affirm all of you who are hard on yourselves. You are making a difference in this world-your work is eternal and extremely important. Don't give up what you are doing--ever, ever, ever. But, take a break.
What will it take to fill your cup emotionally? Going out with a friend to an adult lunch where no one tastes of your food? Or being by yourself alone? Or sleeping? Take time this summer to put beauty and life and joy and fun and pleasure in your life.

Another mom sent me a letter asking if my children were ever overworked in ministry or if we just had fun all the time. Probably, because my life has been so hard (children with illnesses and difficult issues; moving 17 times--6 times internationally; having little support or encouragement from family and almost never having anyone take my children as many grandparents do; and oh so many other difficulties), it is the very reason I seek to create life and beauty and fun--because I don't want to die in the process, and I don't want to live a life of constant depression and weariness, knowing it is not good for me! I want to keep going and live and keep being gracious, because life and light and beauty give strength--to me and to my children!

One summer, we had 62 nights of overnight guests. That meant weeks on end of kids giving up their beds, washing stacks and stacks of dishes, and loads of sheets and towels, babysitting other children--so that one day when one of my children looked out of the window and saw a strange car drive up, he said, "Quick, everyone hide and maybe no one will see us and want to come in!" I realized at this point, my kids needed a rest, fun, replenishing and a break from so much work.

So, knowing it is God's will for me to last, I have had to conduct my own symphony of beauty and joy, so to speak. I have had to take responsibility of planning grace, rest (I never do housework or ministry or tasks on Sunday--it is a sabbath rest for this girl!). I make my family and husband a priority above writing and ministry--which is why I am so slow at getting projects and books out.

Just this morning, was a perfect example of potentially getting tired over so many little things. I got up at 6 to have a quiet time and planning to go on a 30 minute walk and then write this short blog! Nate called up to me and said, "Hey, you wanta have eggs with me--then we can talk--you make them I will eat them--before he went to his landscaping job. By then, I had to awaken Joy and make her breakfast as she is helping with the 3-5 year olds at VBS. Then Joel came in and said, "I will do shopping for you if you make a list." Afterwhich as I got Joel and Joy out the door. (Joel is leaving for a summer project in 3 days and needed input on shopping.) Clay came in and said, "We really need to make a decision about some ministry stuff." Forty minutes later, he left for work, so I took a hot walk instead of a cool one because it was so late.  The moment I stepped in the door from taking the dog out, Sarah came in and said, "Can I just have a few moments of your time. It is about my future and a job that came up and what I should do." So now, it is almost 11 and my day has been taken up by everyone else, having gotten none of my own plans accomplished, but did what I am supposed to do. It as been that way since they were toddlers!

So, after years and years of 24/7, I have learned that I have to force things into my schedule that give me rest, provide a break, fill my cup. I am not talking about the cultural expectation that we deserve to have our own time--as my life has never regularly allowed this. But I am talking about being a good steward of yourself. Women must take time to read the word and pray--it is a foundation for fitting in to a schedule. I found that for my health and adrenalin, I had to build walking into my life almost everyday--Health and eating the right foods makes me last longer. It is also Biblical to have friends who can encourage us in the Lord--Lone Ranger mommies are more prone to give up, give in to depression and quit their ideals. Ecclesiastes tells us to find a companion to lift us up. As an introvert , I have to have some alone time in order to keep centered--it is why I developed the habit of getting up early to have a quiet time an to drink a cup of tea all alone. It doesn't always work, but I worked to let the kids stay up later so that they would sleep a little longer.

It is also why we started to do the Whole Hearted Moms conferences--to give moms a break, spiritually encouraging input, fun, encouragement, chocolate and a nice luncheon! So, as you are planning your summer, be sure to make time for yourself. You and your attitude are at the center of all things working well.

Remember, "A Joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones." Take good medicine, and even in the midst of draining circumstances or difficult times, plan on lighting a candle in the darkness, playing music through the pain, dancing in the midst of the mess, and smiling often as it is truly good for the heart! And above all, give yourself sweet grace!

Sally
Sally@wholeheart.org

Comments

[Carrie L]

Dear Sally,
I am sitting here in tears because I am so often bogged down by the day to day of caring for my husband, four children, and home that I often feel like I have forgotten how to have fun and feel joy. I remind myself so often that I need to just relax and enjoy this sweet family God has given me, but after 12 years, I still don't seem to have learned the lesson. Thank you for yet another reminder!!
Carrie

[Laura]

You will never know how much I needed this today. (I came here via Ruth MacCarthaigh's blog, btw.)

God bless you for your kind, encouraging words... they have lit a flame in my heart, and given me courage to face a decision we are in the process of making right now. It makes me wonder if God knew I'd come along while you were writing this post - it's as if He is speaking to me right now, whispering your words into my ear.

[Kristi]

(Prov. 17:22 - that's my blog name, and this post is so my heart!) Thank you! A friend forwarded it to me.

I thought, "Ohhhh no!" When I read the line "it's been this way since they were toddlers!" Ha! I have kids ages 4,3, almost 2, and due in a week, and my husband is in ministry.

My personality and bent towards works-righteousness make me prone to neglect myself 100% of the time, which results in volatile outbursts and "I HAVE to get away and do something creative right NOW!" attitudes when I have been burning the candle too long without replenishment.

I need to bookmark / print this one and remember these words!

[Stacy]

To the Mother of Mothers: You have no idea how often I pick up a resource that has your name on it and God ministers to ME. Your advise on discipline in "Ed. the Wholehearted Child" has freed me to strengthen my relationships with my children and regain their trust. For this I am forever greatful. Thanks for changing the "parenting" radio station in my house - much more grace abounds and my children and I are dancing!

[Beth M]

Hi Sally,
You rock! I'm always uplifted, encouraged, and challenged by your words and example.

How was CA and your planning?
Love you,
Beth

[Ruth MacCarthaigh]

I really like your post and have put a link of it to my own blog...
God bless
Ruth

[Phyllis]

Thank you! "I have had to conduct my own symphony of beauty and joy." That's what I want my life to be, a symphony of beauty and joy.

[Mrs. Nicklebee*]

Thank God for Bloglines!! I almost missed this post.

I love the limerick! :D And you are right. We do need to take the time to live, and not to give in to mere survival. On a number of occasions, when my husband has been deployed overseas, I have had to make up my mind to get out of bed and to do something to refresh myself and my kids, so we could do more than just get by. Morale skyrockets every time I've done that.

God bless!

Esther

[Sally C.]

I can't tell you how much fun it has been to read all of your comments. I love knowing there are friends in cyberspace. I also hope that each of you will be refreshed this summer. It flies by so quickly! Thanks for writing--it keeps me going. I love all the blogs I have been reading at your sites. Lots of great info being passed about! I just got back from California where we are planning great things for moms!
Blessings!
Sally C.

[rebecca]

Hi Sally,
This post was so refreshing to me. Thank you so much. I am going to link to it from my blog - as a lot of my momma friends could use this encouragement as well.
Thank you~
Rebecca

[sarah mae]

I am SO glad I found your blog! Robin, over at Robins Egg Blue, linked to it and now I am thrilled to become one of your readers. I am a young mom with two little ones trying to figure it all out, and add homeschooling on top of it! Thank you for your blog!!!

[Lora]

Sally,
Thank you so much for this encouraging post! It's a great reminder for me.

[Holly]

Thanks, Sally. (Here from Amy's Humble Musings.)

You know...even a mommy of 8 children needs to hear this again. I know that I should know it...and I do...but I sure do appreciate hearing it from you!

Blessings to you and yours -

[Christine]

Hi Sally! I came here from Andrea's. This is such a refreshing post! I've had a toddler and baby who are on an early morning waking kick for the last 2 months and am pooped! Then I'm still trying to finish up school with my older two (and am rereading your WholeHearted Child book, which I love). Life is tiring! This gave me a boost today, thanks!

[tonia]

thank you so much...i have come to your blog several times when i am feeling weary and helpless...just the name you have chosen speaks truth and wisdom to me: i take joy.

i am deeply appreciative of these little wells of His Spirit all over the internet...what a gift to a weary mother.

thank you again.

[tonia]

thank you so much...i have come to your blog several times when i am feeling weary and helpless...just the name you have chosen speaks truth and wisdom to me: i take joy.

i am deeply appreciative of these little wells of His Spirit all over the internet...what a gift to a weary mother.

thank you again.

[Kate Wicker]

Sally,

This is beautiful and speaks volume to me. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I don't need to tell you that that little trait of mine doesn't always mesh well with motherhood.

I also have trouble saying no (to everyone but myself). Every night the same thing happens. I tuck my babies in (I have two kids four and under) and then, instead of praying, resting, or unwinding some other way, I start to tackle my endless to-do list. My husband kindly tells me I need sleep more than I need a spotless home or a prolific blog or a loaf of homemade bread. My body aches and urges me to rest. But I continue to work. Before I know it the clock says it's nearly midnight. My 1-year-old wakes a few hours later to nurse. My insomniac preschooler journeys to our bed. Morning comes all too soon and my children, who deserve the best from me, get a frazzled, exhausted, short-fused mommy, who in her relentless pursuit of perfection, fails every time.

I loved what you said about "being a good steward of yourself." Resting - especially resting in Him - is essential to be a good parent.

Thank you for the much-needed reminder and for revealing your humanity (I tend to think I'm the only mom who ever yells at her kids).

God bless you!

Peace & Prayers,
Kate

[Jennifer (Et Tu?)]

Thank you for this post. It really blessed me today!

[Anna]

Sally, Thank you for the encouraging words! I have three small girls four and under and there is not much time that i get for myself. I am going to write down what you wrote about "plan on lighting a candle in the darkness, playing music through the pain, dancing in the midst of the mess, and smiling often as it is truly good for the heart" I know that this will serve as a good reminder for me when those hard and busy times come.
Thanks, Anna

[aimee]

i just found my way to your blog and I've got to tell you that the Lord truly led me here and I'm so thankful. This post just spoke so clearly to my heart and honestly I think I'm going to get up and just reread it every day! awesome!

[Dana Wilson]

Dear Sally,

Thanks for giving us permission to relax and take care of ourselves! We strive so hard to be everything to everyone. My very hardworking college-aged daughter and I have a pact to each do one 'fun' thing a week. ('Fun' meaning to take some kind of break from work/school.) It helps having someone to answer to about it!

May God continue to bless you and your family as you minister to so many!

In Him,
Dana

Dana Wilson
www.epikardia.com
www.epikardia.com/blog

[Susanne and Bryan Zietsma]

You are so great!! You bring tears to my eyes. We have a big choice to make as moms, we can choose joy or discouragement...you have written, so beautifully, that in the midst of the busyness and demands there is still joy to be found. After all, it was God's plan to bless us with children and a full households! Thank-you!!

[Sunshine]

OH MY WORD. I am stunned by how God just used this blog post to speak to me - it is just amazing. Thank you - you have no idea how much hope I just found in what you read and how God spoke to me just now! Thank you for writing this! Sunshine

[Andrea]

I can easily start to feel sorry about myself for the lack of support or encouraging friendships in my life, or all the HARD WORK I DO. But it IS important to find some life giving activities to keep going, and it is nice to hear that from an older momma, so I don't feel so guilty when I do it!!thank you!

[Andrea Foster]

Sally,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are such an encouragement to me and it does my soul so much good to hear your words of wisdom. You are my mentor and you don't even know me, but seriously I look up to you so much. You have left a comment on my blog before though! And believe me that made my week! God Bless YOU!!!
Andrea