Loneliness--a curse or a gift?

I am sitting sequestered today in a living room of a time share in Breckenridge, Co. attempting to write 5 chapters of my new book about joy. I would rather be outside where it is beautiful or downtown in a coffee shop or perusing one of the darling gift stores or at the Christmas baking party of one of my friends--where my daughters are--but here I am, stuck in this little room, alone, again, working, again! And ironically, today, I am supposed to be writing about joy in the difficulties of life! I think the Lord has a sense of humor.

Loneliness has been a constant companion for me for many years. It causes me to ache inside sometimes. It brings tears to my eyes and a longing for community.  I long for like-minded kindred spirits who also like me! I loved what C.S. Lewis said, "We read to know we are not alone." I love having close, intimate friends, who "get" me.Those who know all about me and know my quirks and petty sins, and still get me. I also love being with like-minded friends who are passionate about the Lord, about ministry, about the Word and about family--who have ideals like mine, but who also love to have fun and celebrate life--my close friend must be someone who understands grace and giving grace--who has learned it by going around the track of life and by being humbles. There are not, in my intimate life, many who fit this longing and who also initiate to me--not many initiate to me. I also long for friends who both know and love my older children as well as Joy--as they are all--my older and younger family- a part of my heart and life.

But alas, so much of my life, I feel so alone, invisible in my needs to the world of hundreds of people who buzz in and out of my life.  Part of it is because there is very little contact with family or emotional support. My children have not had the privilege of knowing the closeness of family and consequently, we are most often alone on holidays. Part of it is because I am also busy and because I hold ideals that are in a minority in this culture in this day at this time. But I thought if I have felt it so often and for so many years, you might, too, and I wanted you to know you are not unusual or alone--there are many of us like you!

I think there are many who feel this loneliness. In a world of isolationism-breakdown of families for every reason--moving all over the world and being separated physically, divorce, differing ideals, and just plain lack of commitment. there is an isolation in neighborhoods and no longer the simple community of people who hold your values and your faith. Add to that, isolation in church--where the paradigm is often a value for working moms (all of us work, don't we?)  not always a value for those who stay at home with their children.

Yet, it has been this very loneliness that has driven me to the Lord. He has heard me over and over again and He has used this to open my heart to others who have needs, he has used it to humble me in my point of need so that I have more compassion for those who are also separated from support systems. As  a matter of fact, most of what I write about has come from my struggles. This particular puzzle of my life, which I have a choice to live out in grace and faith or to live in the darkness of depression, has been for me the story of a God who loves me and shows me life and grace and light in the midst. It is choosing to seek Him and to hold on to his hand and to believe in His friendship that I have found strength and a way to keep going.

I got a letter from a friend last night who lives far away from me (most of my oldest and closest friends live far away) who told me she doesn't really have any friends left who identify with her. Just this morning, I talked with another friend, who has been involved in our ministry for years, who was telling me the same thing. I could tell you of almost 30 women, all who are leaders and helping speaking or writing or ministering to many, many women who feel the same way. As they say, it is lonely at the top. These precious women all feel that they give and give and give, but rarely receive much personal affirmation or validation. I have learned over the years that most people just assume these women don't need more encouragement or love--Perhaps it is like th 10 blind men who are healed but only one turns to thank Jesus. All of these women would seem like the type who would have lots of friends and lots of support systems, and yet they are lonely because so few initiate to them and then in their weariness they are tempted to think that their work or lives do not matter and that no one loves them. It is just what happened to Elijah and sometime I will have the time to write what I have been learning about him and through him.

I also know so many young moms who struggle with loneliness in their own homes with their little children. One idealistic young mom cried with me last week saying, "I just went upstairs for 3 minutes to put up laundry and when I came downstairs, my 3 year old had used a permanent marker to draw all over the naked body of my 18 month old and then drawn on my favorite blouse and the carpet. I thought to myself, "Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Take care of these children? Stay home by myself and do this day in and day out? Am I not more talented than this? Will I never have a bigger life?

I giggled at her story, but personally knew her feelings. She is so cute and fun and intelligent--just has her ideals about family life and children in a circle of friends who don't understand her or support her.
But, I just wanted you to know today, that you are not alone.God indeed loves you so much and is so very proud of your bringing life and beauty into your homes. He knows your struggles. He sees you and your needs to be loved and appreciated and filled up. He wants you to know that he likes fun and pleasures. Just this morning, I read, in His presence is fullness of joy, and in His right hand, pleasures forevermore. Just think about that--pleasures evermore! Psalm 30:5

He wants us to have pleasure. He made laughter and joy and food and color and music and hand holding and cuddling babies and puppies because he wants us to enjoy life. Consider with me, if you will, who would like for you to feel lonely? God or Satan? Who would just love for you to believe that your efforts aren't appreciated and don't matter? Satan, of course, would love for you to believe the lies!

So, if I could, I would have you all into my little living room right now for tea and chocolate. But as it is, I am going to pray for you. You must be a conductor of your own symphony and make a plan to place some pleasure, times with people, outings away from the messy home and sequestering  of too many sinful children and moms in one small place--going to a park--for an ice cream--or anywhere will change your mood--just don't stay and stew where you are--

As for me, I am going to work like a crazy woman for 3 more hours and then go to a cafe this afternoon for a cup of soup and a little walk on the mountain. I am going to call at least two friends--far away--and tell them I love them. I know I will go downhill in my feelings if I don't make a plan.

I am going to plan some fun Christmas outings with me and my girls and my friends who are in town later today--because I know that if I cultivate friendships and memories, I will myself be blessed. It is just the truth that most people I know have to initiate to others and most often, their initiation will not be reciprocated, but if they wait until someone else initiates, they might be waiting forever and not get to have fun--so you plan fun and bless others who are lonely.

As I am writing and researching my book on joy, I am finding that one has to resolve to grab joy, every day, even in the midst of life--to see beauty, to choose to dance, to reach out because He reaches out and He is living through us, to also believe in heaven and hope in future fulfillment and to hold God's hand and receive His love by faith and to keep sowing seeds of love in others so that eventually the seeds will grow fruit.
We must tightly hold on to the ideal of community and fight for it, as it is in the community of loving believers where the reality of God is most felt. I have been so blessed with a couple of friends who love me and reach out to me because they made a commitment to me--not because I deserve it, but because they know I need it--even though my busy life of ministry alienates me from most local activities. But I believe this is what God has called me to--and I do not want to shrink back--but I just need to keep reaching for friends and close companions in the midst of it. And I so need these sweet friends who took the risk to intervene in my life and to bless me.

And now, I also see, that the greatest gift of all in the midst of my family's isolation and moving so much has been that we are the closest of friends.My children didn't have lots of people and so I didn't have much competition! We loved and had fun with each other out of necessity and the end result was that we are friends and love and enjoy each other each day by phone and email, not because we have to, but because we truly enjoy each other and are interested in each other's lives. My children have also experienced this loneliness--not many peers like them in today's world. Yet they are learning to lean into the life God has given to them and they are all best friends! Even after so many years of fussing and tussling--they ended up in love.
So, if you are feeling lonely today, please know I understand and God understands and you are not invisible to Him--it isn't even because you have done anything wrong or because of your personality--it is just a consequence of life in a very fallen, isolated world. So, determine not to let it get you down. Like yourself today, to make a plan, create beauty and call someone else who just might have needed to know that they were not alone in the world.
Now back to writing!
Sally
PS Happy Birthday today, Joel. Twenty-two years ago, I was delighted to pop you out after an hour and fifteen minutes of labor in that Austrian hospital with Dad, Gwen, a doctor and nurse all peering into the event. You are a blessing to me.

Comments

[pam gillaspie]

Beautiful!

[Angela]

Hello. Just reading your blog for the first time, but yes I really resonate with the loneliness issue. I love to feel connected, see people I know in the grocery store, have people stop by unexpectedly, etc. My advice to younger women is the same as yours: you will have to be the initiator, so just go ahead and do it. Don't wait for someone to invite you. But you're right, it's exhausting. And I find in the church (and especially in homeschooling) people are reluctant to initiate with anyone who is not just like them. As a pastor's wife, I don't have that "luxury", the luxury of isolating my family from people who are in the world, because these are the very people we are called to reach with the gospel. That can't happen if you always maintain a "safe" distance. Sometimes this separates me from others who can fully embrace a protected lifestyle. I knew in my head it might be lonely being a pastor's wife, but now I know it experientially (and so does my husband) as people we thought were friends turned their backs on us. This has probably been the loneliest year of my life. Elisabeth Elliott's book The Path of Loneliness was a real help. It was also really encouraging to read your post because I can SO identify with it. You're right, I want my loneliness to drive me close to the Lord and to reaching out to others. Thank you for sharing.

Angela

[Renee]

Dear Sally; Thank you so much for your wonderful sharing this day. Be not afraid comes to mind and wow, I can so relate. You are not alone on your walk and journey in life. I met you in BC at the Trinity Western University a few years back and related well to you then. Along with this post, we could be twins. :-)

My husband was surprised with a work transfer two years ago, and we moved across the country having to leave married children and grandbabes behind. Once again we are on the move in less than two weeks to zero support systems and a serious medical issue for him ahead. You have blessed me this day in a way I could never fully explain. Thank you for this timely post. God Bless you and yours this Thanksgiving day. Hugs!

[Wanda]

Sally,
I just found you....and I think you must be my long lost bosom friend. I live over 1000 miles from family. We've lived far away for many years now due to the ministry. Our kids do not have cousins or grandparents at any of their events. That has made us very close. They are BFF's.

I know so many women that struggle with this loneliness. It can wound and cripple you in more ways than one.
My closest friend has a terrible issue with this and tends to get depressed because of it.
I feel left out in certain circles but I am confident that God is always there for me.

Being the new people in town (more times than once) can be tough. So often friendship groups are already formed and people do not realize how exclusive they can be.
It's frustrating!

I remember when we moved to Louisville KY for seminary years ago.....I was so lonely and I wanted so badly to have friends AT CHURCH.....that I told my friends back home that I wanted to yell when I walked into the church "I'M VERY IMPORTANT TO SOMEONE BACK WHERE I COME FROM!!!!".

I was feeling pretty much invisible! Not good for my outgoing social personality.

Thanks for being so real about loneliness. Because it is real!

[Heather L.]

I am so excited to hear that you are writing a book on joy. Joy is a subject that resonates with a longing deep in my soul and I just know that when you finish your book it will be something I can't wait to read.

Thank you for your post on loneliness. Although I'm not as lonely currently as I have been in various times in the past I do identify with that problem of always feeling like the initiator -- you hit the nail right on the head with that (I hadn't really diagnosed it before).

I hope your writing time is profitable! Can't wait to read the results.

[Jeanne]

Sally,
The Lord must impress it on your heart to write the things we need to read at exactly the time we should read them. As I was reading your post I kept thinking to myself, "how on earth could Sally get lonely? She has such a huge ministry, there must be someone close by." But, then, I started thinking about my own life, and how I have plenty of neighbors close by. But, still, my heart yearns for a close friend who is a thousand miles away! And, why is it that my children have to grow up without any other family members nearby? What has caused our nation to become so distant from each other?
Well, in spite of the loneliness, I choose to be joyful today. And, I have you to remind me of God's love and care for me.
God bless you, Sally. And, enjoy your "alone" time while you can. I have a few more years ahead of me before I can leave the house by myself.
~Jeanne

[Wiley Clarkson]

I thought about sending a PM but then decided to do this to let you know that I follow your blog some too!

Looks like we have more incommon these day even though we are separated by 800 miles. Loneliness: been there, felt that, still do that on occassions.

Interesting thoughts which come close to home here in Texas!

luv you guys and miss seeing ya!

[Christy]

P.S. I just looked up the word "sanctify" (re: my previous comment). One of the definitions is "to separate and dedicate to God." The process also includes purification that we would be one with God.

What joy we will have if we stop resisting and instead embrace this feeling of separation and value it for what it is ... a gift that Jesus prayed his followers would receive. The end result is that we would be one with God and with Jesus and would be filled and pouring out to others.

Note to self: No more pity parties or listening to the voice of the enemy (yep, recognize it for what it is!) ... only rejoicing that He loves me and is sanctifying me through His spirit.

Thanks again for your post. I am very encouraged tonight!

[Christy]

Thank you, Sally.

"... it isn't even because you have done anything wrong or because of your personality--it is just a consequence of life in a very fallen, isolated world. So, determine not to let it get you down."

Needed to hear that. We left the church I grew up in and then moved to a community where I haven't yet connected with anyone who has the same ideals or interests. We're smack in the middle of my husband's huge, wonderful family, but they don't see life the same. It's lonely.

Wishing for a church family, an older godly couple to counsel us, other young couples seeking God with which to fellowship. But my husband and I have taken to praying, "If a Titus 2 couple to mentor us isn't what you have in mind right now, help us to *be* what we're looking for." We're woefully sinful, though, and slow to learn and catch on to living gracefully. God knows better, but sometimes I think it might be a lot easier if we just had someone wiser than us to counsel us through this. Perhaps He is causing us to lean more intently on our Wonderful Counselor and to trust in Him fully.

I'm also reminded while writing this that He has not promised to take us out of a world that does not understand or appreciate us (John 17) but that we would be protected of the evil one in the midst of it. As you mentioned, are we armed (Ephesians 6:10-18) to protect ourselves against the whispering, lying voice of Satan that would discourage us and tempt us to think God doesn't care or that there's something terribly wrong with us?

In John 17, Jesus prayed that we would be sanctified even as he was sanctified (his journey was a lonely one) ... so that we would be one with him and with our Father (he always knew he was not truly alone -- John 16:32, 8:16, 8:29). We want to be sanctified, but it is a solitary walk sometimes ... solitary as in just the Lord and I.

**Lord, help me to treasure the process of sanctification!**

Sally, May God bless you and may your cup overflow in this life and the life to come (Matthew 19:29-30)

[Sunshine]

OH WOW - I feel like you just typed a page from my journal - the feeling snd struggles of loneliness...thank you for such a wonderful perspective. I REALLY really appreciate this post! Sunshine

[Dana]

Absolutely beautiful! Thank you for allowing him to fill you up with His presences so that you can be poured on out into our lives in such a beautiful way.
Your Facebook friend~ Dana

[Phyllis]

Yes! Amen! Thank you! What else can I say? :-)

[KellieinItalynow]

Sally,

Thankyou! After my children have left for school this morning, I'll reread your essay on loneliness. Now that we are settled in yet another new location (the 3rd in 3 years) and my emotions have calmed down a bit, I'm looking for ways in Jesus to make more mature decisions. I have such a wonderful life to look back on of answered prayer and provision of the Savior. Choosing Joy has been one of those choices I need to make. I've pulled out all of your books, had tea this week with my Pastor's wife-I do love her so!, and am making plans to bring my children back home for the next school year. I'm beginning to feel strong again. I haven't felt that in quite awhile. I'm even feeling strong enough to tackle loneliness.- for me, that's some serious strength. It's been the reason for my own homeschooling flops in past years. Delightful essay. Thanks for writing it. Am trying to get to NC to see you this winter-even trying to coax a new friend to attend with me.
Alone again in a new location and leaning on Him.
KellieinItalynow, but really in NO.Virginia

[polly]

Thank you for this! I feel loneliness at times too because of my personal choices and beliefs, and our lifestyle, which is so different from the mainstream American one in some ways! Your books and words are always a huge blessing for me. (And I just started reading Heartfelt Discipline too!) Thank you so much for your transparency and truth.

[Heather]

Hi Sally,
What a great entry for me to stumble across tonight. It is funny that you wrote about this topic because I have felt this way a lot of times in life. I have always assumed too that people in your position are too busy and have way too many friends to reach out too. It is very hard trying to find anyone that is on the same page as myself for friendship-I guess it is a common theme for many of us. Maybe this is how God keeps us looking to Him for what we need. I am looking forward to your conference and think about your encouraging words daily in my homeschool world too. Thank you for feeding into our lives-you impact so many of us in more ways than you will ever know.

[Debbie in CA : )]

Well Sally, once again your post looks like a page torn from my own journal. Yesterday was a "sad" day for me -- lonely for relationships God hasn't chosen to bless me with. I immersed myself in the Word, hearthkeeping, and the abundant hugs and affection of those right here in my home. I closed my eyes that night spilling over with joy. I still lack those relationships I pined for earlier, but somehow the miracle of a day laced with love and peace proved enough to knit my ragged heart back together with joy. Other sad days will come . . . But God . . .

Thank you , as always, for the gift of authentic words from a fellow sojourner. My path contains ruggedness and stoniness, but my heart remains tender and uncalloused when I stay focused on Him and the purpose He has called me to. That's the true miracle in my life. : )

[Theresa]

Oh Sally! I wept as I read, because I could have written the same thing. After a couple months of feeling so disjointed and alone, though surrounded by people (the worst kind of loneliness in my opinion) and isolated and different even from most of the people at church - all the things you wrote - I needed the reminder to lean into Him more and to grab for joy! When I heard you speak in May for the first time, I knew you were a kindred heart and I am continually encouraged by your books and Clay's as well. I think of you each morning in school as we go through Our 24 Family Ways and this will remind me to pray for you! Though I only met you in passing sweet Sister, I can say in the Lord that I love you! Thank you for sharing openly from your heart once again.

And...

Frohlichen Glueckwunsch zum Geburtstag Joel! :o)

[gail]

thank you for sharing this and for reminding us that God is always with us. i think many, many of us feel this personal isolation. thank you for reminding me that God 'sees' and Satan lies, and that i have to take the initiative sometimes. you can always have a cup of tea with me :)

[Debbie in MI]

Sally,
You are such a blessing to me! Like you, it is hard to find people in my life with the same ideals for their family. Many times even at church I felt so lonely like no one was like me. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to your blog, books, and tapes and felt a kindred spirit. May family has had many trials through the years with homeschooling, health, and job situations. My kids, 21, 18, and 12 have felt loneliness with peers. They can be involved in group activities at church and still feel lonely. Even the church seems to be far from the Lord at times. I am thankful my kids have eachother. They have become my best friends too. I have told them that your kids have gone through the same thing.

Thank you for always sharing your heart. I always feel encouraged in the Lord when I read your writing.

I had the pleasure of meeting you many years ago when you spoke in Michigan. You are truly a gift to be treasured.

You are in my prayers.

Debbie

[Dulce]

Thank you so much. I an one of those who is guilty of thinking that the incredible Godly women (like you) whom I admire so deeply don't need me to reach out to them. You have poured much beauty and peace into our home through your writings, and though we may never meet here, I hold you in my heart (Phil. 1:7a).

blessings,
Dulce

[Megan]

Oh Sally! Your thoughts always bless me, but today, this is exactly what I had been feeling! It was a sweet touch from the Lord to remind me of what I alrady knew- I am not alone! I have so many people in my life, but so few who really understand me! (And none of those who understand me, other than my husband, live in my city!)

Thanks so much for simply saying you understand!

Megan

[Sharon Sands]

Hi Sally!

I love what you are sharing here...I think all of us long for those like-hearted friends...Was just sharing with a dear friend in her 50's back in TX (I'm in CO) who expressed to me a lonliness and not having women friends who love the Lord, that I am seeing that it seems to take a bit more time and effort to cultivate those friendships as we get older...Life is full (I have 5 kiddos, homeschool, help my husband with our family business, lead a citywide ministry to women) and it is easy for me to forget to take the time to cultivate those friendships with women who share my love for the Lord and passion for His people, etc...

I love your ministry! I am meeting with another mom every other week and we are working our way through "Mom Walk"...I wish I had had that book when I first starting having children, it is so rich...I now recommend it to young moms and have it on our book tables at Passionate Heart outreaches!

Blessings! I hope you have a wonderful Holiday season!
Sharon Sands